When something happens in my life that really burns me up I have a few go to coping techniques. I might run a few miles. I cook, usually something with lots of butter and sugar. Or I write, as you know if you follow the blog. So when we had a nasty incident at the library yesterday I posted on Facebook and received an overwhelmingly supportive response, and today I wrote the letter posted below. There was an apology in my in my inbox within an hour from the manager of the library, so I burned off the rest of my ire with a batch of Chipa Guazu', scalloped corn.
I advocate for my kids as best I can, in words they understand, because I want them to know that Mom has their back. Someday, I won't be with them, and I want them to advocate for themselves, maybe with the words I gave them in the library next to the check out desk and a stack of Super Man comics.
THE LETTER
My family and I are regular patrons of the Northeast library. We come every week to check out books, sometimes twice, and spend time reading as a family. One of the reasons we love this library is because it is one of the most diverse places in all of Minneapolis, which is important to us given our children are Ethiopian and Thai.
Last night during our routine visit I was absolutely shocked and angered by the actions of one of the staff members of the Northeast library, and even as I write this I am in tears. At the help desk, the employee helping to check out our books sternly rebuked my five year old son, in my presence, for looking at books on a cart. These happened to be books we had just returned (that were checked in upon my request so we didn’t go over our limit) and my son wanted to tell the librarian about what he had read. I told the man that my son was fine and not causing any trouble, but he again told my son to stop and to move away from the cart. I again told the man that my son was just fine, but he continued to berate both of us. A second employee, a woman, actually asked this man to stop speaking to us this way, but he did not.
Yes, this employee of the Hennepin County Libraries told my well behaved, highly inquisitive, supervised, book loving child NOT to touch superhero books available for check out. This type of behavior by a staff member needs to be dealt with immediately. I chose to remove my son from this man’s presence, but went back and firmly and directly told him that my son did not do anything wrong, that his remarks were inappropriate in that I would not let someone like him change my son’s love of the library and reading. He again claimed my son should not have been looking at the books, and I finally turned to the man working at the reference desk, witnessing the exchange, who kindly apologized for the man’s behavior.
I cannot help but wonder if this man’s actions were a racially motivated, and it causes me to wonder how he speaks to and treats other children of color who find the public library a safe and magical place to explore their own love of reading. Luckily, my son had his parent to advocate for him, but many children come to the library on their own and may have their understanding of how the library works damaged by this man’s inappropriate words and actions.
I would like to know how the library plans to address this situation with the employee. I look forward to hearing a reply.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Ragaliki (Russia)
Today I am writing this post after a 'good' parenting day, not yesterday when I actually made the recipe for sweet bread twists, Ragaliki, a Russian bread fried in oil and sprinkled with powdered sugar. Oh we enjoyed these yummy twists of fried dough for breakfast, but things soon devolved. Yesterday became a 'hard' parenting day, which ended with me slumping numbly on the couch rather than writing anything at all. See, we have a three year old, which is a challenging age for sure, but when you add in adoption issues and behaviors, things get crazy.
Suki is funny and charming and resilient and absolutely lovable. He plays Robin to his brother's Batman, gobbles chocolate ice cream like a pro, and asks for Jingle Bells as his lullaby in April. Today I played rousing games of soccer and Frisbee with him and his brother, followed by Thai food with extended family, before reading his favorite Elmo bedtime story. Overall a lovely, lovely night.
One of the realities of adoption that often gets overlooked though is that there are many days that are hard, exhausting, and overwhelming. There are layers of trauma, health issues, attachment, emotional disregulation, and power struggles that can cloud each developmental stage, each moment of the day it sometimes seems. Even the most simple parenting decision can twist you up inside, wondering did you handle it the right way, did you become too rigid, too indulgent, too whatever. And sometimes you use all the resources at your disposal and still fall short.
Our family is fast approaching our year anniversary of coming home from Thailand with our youngest son. The adoption of our Suki will always be a joy for us, always. I love him deeply and forever. With this anniversary, we celebrate the completeness of our family, even as we acknowledge that the road ahead may twist and turn. Some days are hard, but we will always have each other.
Suki is funny and charming and resilient and absolutely lovable. He plays Robin to his brother's Batman, gobbles chocolate ice cream like a pro, and asks for Jingle Bells as his lullaby in April. Today I played rousing games of soccer and Frisbee with him and his brother, followed by Thai food with extended family, before reading his favorite Elmo bedtime story. Overall a lovely, lovely night.
One of the realities of adoption that often gets overlooked though is that there are many days that are hard, exhausting, and overwhelming. There are layers of trauma, health issues, attachment, emotional disregulation, and power struggles that can cloud each developmental stage, each moment of the day it sometimes seems. Even the most simple parenting decision can twist you up inside, wondering did you handle it the right way, did you become too rigid, too indulgent, too whatever. And sometimes you use all the resources at your disposal and still fall short.
Our family is fast approaching our year anniversary of coming home from Thailand with our youngest son. The adoption of our Suki will always be a joy for us, always. I love him deeply and forever. With this anniversary, we celebrate the completeness of our family, even as we acknowledge that the road ahead may twist and turn. Some days are hard, but we will always have each other.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Songkran Celebration (Thailand)
Almost a year ago, our three year old joined the family just the day after Easter. There was an Easter basket with his name on it, the usual pastel candies, some socks, and a pair of pajamas that matched his brother's waiting for him as we brought him back to our hotel. This last year each holiday has been an adventure in explanation and rationale with a language-limited newbie to our western, Christian ways. At a recent egg dyeing event at Grandma's, Suki made his way through Happy Birthday, Happy Halloween and Merry Christmas before we could settle him on shouting Happy Easter:)
Tonight we added a new holiday to our family repertoire, Songkran, the Thai new year. We ate dinner with items meant to bring prosperity in the coming year at a local restaurant that entertained us with four (of 300!) regional Thai dances, a water blessing, and a Thai boxing demonstration. We learned that Songkran is a water festival because this is the hottest time of the year in Thailand, a fact we sweatily remember from our trip last May. Water is also a symbol of cleansing and purity. We ate our spicy noodles and swayed along to the music for an enjoyable night.
Another occasion that we will soon be celebrating for the first time this year is Suki's Family Day. This is the anniversary of the day we spent our first night as a family in our home, May 7th. This will be our first with Suki, but family day has been around awhile. Ian has his family day in June, and we have built some special traditions. We usually eat out for a traditional (ET or, now, Thai) meal with whatever extended family members are available with dessert at home (cupcakes have been a popular choice thus far). We talk about the day we became a family, the day we met, the time we spent getting to know each other and our memories and knowledge of first family. And of course we take pictures!
We are still making our way as a family with a mixture of traditions and celebrations, as well as a family of varied personalities and temperaments. We are stretching and growing, a process not without its pains and scars, but we are nonetheless open to creating the space for love and trust and respect one day, and holiday, at a time. It always helps when there is delicious food involved;)
Tonight we added a new holiday to our family repertoire, Songkran, the Thai new year. We ate dinner with items meant to bring prosperity in the coming year at a local restaurant that entertained us with four (of 300!) regional Thai dances, a water blessing, and a Thai boxing demonstration. We learned that Songkran is a water festival because this is the hottest time of the year in Thailand, a fact we sweatily remember from our trip last May. Water is also a symbol of cleansing and purity. We ate our spicy noodles and swayed along to the music for an enjoyable night.
Another occasion that we will soon be celebrating for the first time this year is Suki's Family Day. This is the anniversary of the day we spent our first night as a family in our home, May 7th. This will be our first with Suki, but family day has been around awhile. Ian has his family day in June, and we have built some special traditions. We usually eat out for a traditional (ET or, now, Thai) meal with whatever extended family members are available with dessert at home (cupcakes have been a popular choice thus far). We talk about the day we became a family, the day we met, the time we spent getting to know each other and our memories and knowledge of first family. And of course we take pictures!
We are still making our way as a family with a mixture of traditions and celebrations, as well as a family of varied personalities and temperaments. We are stretching and growing, a process not without its pains and scars, but we are nonetheless open to creating the space for love and trust and respect one day, and holiday, at a time. It always helps when there is delicious food involved;)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Issue with Comments
FYI- I am having a problem getting the comments you make to post. I am NOT ignoring you. For a while I thought no one was responding at all, but after hearing from those of you who try, but never see them, there is some setting issue that I haven't figured out that is blocking you when you comment. I will figure it out eventually and let you know to start sending comments again. Sorry!!
Paska (Ukraine) and Cheesecake (Israel)
For today's Easter holiday, I found a recipe for Paska, a Ukrainian Easter bread, so of course I had to make it! Knowing I had all the ingredients, I decided to make the bread a day ahead so that I could just relax and enjoy the holiday, going to church in the morning and hosting my brother and his family in the afternoon. I am SO glad I planned ahead because this recipe required FIVE hours for the bread to rise. That and a last minute trip, mid-mixing, to the store made for quite the epic preparations. Throw in the cheesecake, a common Sabbath dessert in Israel, and it was a long afternoon in the kitchen.
If you've been following my culinary adventures here, you may have picked up on the fact that I am a bit of a planner. Some of my planning is just about being organized, like with our weekly meal plan, so when we are tired or stressed we don't pile on, and so we aren't wasting precious time on the daily minutia that we could be spending playing outside or snuggling with books. I knew I was going to make this bread recipe, so I planned the time in advance.
Some of our planning is more serious. Our family thinks about the issues we have to face as a transracial family. The looks, rude comments, insensitive questions. We plan for the issues our children absolutely face as boys of color in America. The racial profiling, suspicion, and education gaps. This isn't the kind of planning that fills us with joy. It is heartbreaking and sits in the pit of my stomach. We know we have to face these situations, so we plan our responses and our strategies in advance.
When I consider the message of this holiday season though, I must remember that this is not a lonely journey. We are a family of faith, which sustains us in hard times. We have a family that learns with us and supports our efforts, even as they join with their own. We have an adoption community that provides a dialogue and shared experience that we can reach to for information and resources. We try to surround ourselves with others we trust and respect.
There are going to be unexpected moments in any given recipe. We don't know what the future holds for our children, but we try to prepare them, and ourselves as best we can. Our little family is strong in that regard.
If you've been following my culinary adventures here, you may have picked up on the fact that I am a bit of a planner. Some of my planning is just about being organized, like with our weekly meal plan, so when we are tired or stressed we don't pile on, and so we aren't wasting precious time on the daily minutia that we could be spending playing outside or snuggling with books. I knew I was going to make this bread recipe, so I planned the time in advance.
Some of our planning is more serious. Our family thinks about the issues we have to face as a transracial family. The looks, rude comments, insensitive questions. We plan for the issues our children absolutely face as boys of color in America. The racial profiling, suspicion, and education gaps. This isn't the kind of planning that fills us with joy. It is heartbreaking and sits in the pit of my stomach. We know we have to face these situations, so we plan our responses and our strategies in advance.
When I consider the message of this holiday season though, I must remember that this is not a lonely journey. We are a family of faith, which sustains us in hard times. We have a family that learns with us and supports our efforts, even as they join with their own. We have an adoption community that provides a dialogue and shared experience that we can reach to for information and resources. We try to surround ourselves with others we trust and respect.
There are going to be unexpected moments in any given recipe. We don't know what the future holds for our children, but we try to prepare them, and ourselves as best we can. Our little family is strong in that regard.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Habichuelas al Estilo Cubano (Puerto Rico, for real:)
Last night, I inadvertently opened a can of black beans that was not on the menu, which changed out meal plan for tonight to...something with black beans. This unexpected turn in culinary events led me to Habichuelas al Estilo Cubano, Cuban-style black beans, a recipe originating in Cuba, but much loved in Puerto Rico. This ended up being a delightful surprise of a dish with a dash of oregano and more than a splash of vinegar. I used up some of the last of my frozen peppers from last year's garden as well, and my palate felt truely satisfied.
There have been a lot of unexpected moments in our life. I think they call that parenting;) But even our journey to building our family, becoming parents, was full of surprises. We assumed that our children would come to us biologically. When this was not the case, our minds and hearts were open to the alternatives before us, and adoption led us to the delightful unions with our boys. We would not change one moment of the journey that led us to these precious children that so delight us with their bright smiles, vivid imaginations and endless sense of adventure. We are a family that embraces the deep well of uniqueness and joy that comes from adoption, even as we work through the challenges it brings.
So imagine my shock to read that the Archdiocese of Minnesota recently announced to a group of teenagers that adopted children are "sociologically unstable" (whatever that even means). Some of those students were adopted themselves. There were also other inaccurate, ignorant and offensive statements made about families with single mothers or two parents of the same sex. It doesn't matter the source, a stranger, a coworker, a religious organization, or an elected official. Attacking families built on love, respect, affection and joy as something wrong, unstable or immoral is what really erodes the fabric of family systems in America. Not me loving my children or you loving yours.
I have the family I never thought to imagine and am fulfilled in ways I never thought possible. I only wish that those who would judge my choices and my children could know a fraction of this truth, because it could just change the world. It certainly changed mine.
There have been a lot of unexpected moments in our life. I think they call that parenting;) But even our journey to building our family, becoming parents, was full of surprises. We assumed that our children would come to us biologically. When this was not the case, our minds and hearts were open to the alternatives before us, and adoption led us to the delightful unions with our boys. We would not change one moment of the journey that led us to these precious children that so delight us with their bright smiles, vivid imaginations and endless sense of adventure. We are a family that embraces the deep well of uniqueness and joy that comes from adoption, even as we work through the challenges it brings.
So imagine my shock to read that the Archdiocese of Minnesota recently announced to a group of teenagers that adopted children are "sociologically unstable" (whatever that even means). Some of those students were adopted themselves. There were also other inaccurate, ignorant and offensive statements made about families with single mothers or two parents of the same sex. It doesn't matter the source, a stranger, a coworker, a religious organization, or an elected official. Attacking families built on love, respect, affection and joy as something wrong, unstable or immoral is what really erodes the fabric of family systems in America. Not me loving my children or you loving yours.
I have the family I never thought to imagine and am fulfilled in ways I never thought possible. I only wish that those who would judge my choices and my children could know a fraction of this truth, because it could just change the world. It certainly changed mine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)